God Is Not Done With YOU

I have epilepsy. Seizure disorder. Whatever they call it these days. Despite being on medication and seizure free for years, this has taken quite a toll on me mentally. I think anyone who has a chronic condition can relate to what I am about to say.

Between the ages of 16 and 25, I had seizures. One minute I would be fine and the next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance with a stranger asking me if I knew my name or where I was. I never knew either. I would spend the rest of the day in the ER slowly gaining the use of my brain. The fuzziness and, quite frankly, blank feeling would eventually go away and leave me with exhaustion. Every time.

There was never an indication before the seizure (that I can remember) that something was not right. All my life, I have also struggled with fainting “spells,” for lack of a better term. However, at least with fainting, I usually have an aura and learned what to do to avoid actually passing out. Don’t I sound fun?

Now, at any given moment, the slightest off feeling or pain can send me into panic. It may not be rational fear, but it is real fear. Since I don’t know what happens before a seizure, my mind tends to go there quickly.

This isn’t a topic I talk about, pretty much ever. I never really know if someone will understand or if they will judge me or think I am crazy. But, honestly, I am past caring. No one can judge me as much as I have judged myself. There have been times I sit and cry and pray. As I type this, I can’t help the tears from flowing. I have beat myself up for not having faith or jumping to conclusions for years and I am done.

Last week, my husband was out of the country for work. I have always dreaded these trips, because I am terrified that something will happen to me. My girls need me and the fear comes alive when I am alone with my thoughts at night. They just always have. The first day of his eight day trip, I felt the familiar feelings creeping in. You know what though? For the first time, I battled them. I said, “God is not done with me.” I won’t say the fear left instantly or didn’t try to come back the next day, but the noose fell loosley around me. After the first few days, I slept better than I ever have during one of James’ trips. I didn’t worry about if something happened. It wasn’t fun with him not there, but I had peace.

Why am I sharing this? Why am I telling family, friends, and strangers my deep secret fear? Because I finally realize I am not alone. Sitting with our fears in the dark only makes things worse and isloates us. I have been around enough years to know if I am feeling something, I am not the first or only one.

No matter what, if you are still breathing, God has more for you. He is not done with you and your life serves a purpose. You may be telling yourself otherwise, but God wants you to know to keep going. Whatever struggle you have, it is temporary and serves its own purpose. Never forget that.

Linking with Holley Gerth.

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14 thoughts on “God Is Not Done With YOU

  1. Hi Sarah,
    You are brave sharing your fears to release the hold they could have on you! You are right that as long as we are here breathing, God is not done with us and still has more for us to experience of him, of life, of others. Feeling alone and responsible for yourself is challenging and there’s no judgment for our what each of us faces in our lives! So grateful that God promises to be with us, even when we don’t feel any differently after prayer or scripture reading, we know that he will somehow make a way for us! xo

  2. Thank You for sharing. Visiting today from Coffee For Your Heart. I have found that the more I combat the fears with God’s truth the less of a hold they have on me. You are all sorts of brave even when you don’t feel like it and I believe that you will find that you will have many people to come alongside you to help you rally forward even when you feel afraid. His Peace is the most wonderful thing!

  3. Sarah, I so love your open, honest, transparent posts…you’re right…every one of your sisters in Christ has something they fear…me included…I’m gonna say what you said, “God is not done with me,” in those moments in the future…many blessings to you!

  4. Thanks for your honesty in sharing. I think it does release some of the hold that fear has on us just to talk about it and to know that others understand. I love how you’re fighting your fear and that you’ve noticed a difference, and that’s an important thing to remember in all out struggles- “God is not done with me.”

    1. Sometimes we are so close to a situation that we don’t notice a difference, but I sure am now. πŸ™‚ Love those breakthrough moments where all the prayers pay off.
      Thank you for your words, Lesley!

  5. Thank you for bravely sharing your story! We need it!! My brother has had seizures his whole life and it’s scary to watch from the outside. I can’t imagine how frightening it must be to experience it. But you don’t have to go it alone, and I’m grateful you decided to let God shine his light on it to use it for his glory!!

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