This month has been the most difficult one for me in the last few years. At first I kept my pain and fear mostly to myself, which meant it stayed in the dark. I allowed myself to live in a state of anxiety instead of where I need to be: a state of victory.
Once I told people about what was going on, I started to see I am not alone in this stage. Many people understand how I feel, which has greatly reduced the shame I have felt for being so weak.
Fainting and having seizures are things I have had to deal with since I was a child. They have been a part of who I am for so much of my life that I never thought I needed to stop barreling through life. I am busy and am at a part of life where that is a given. It is occurring to me that there are things I am not going to be able to do and others I really should say no to.
It is hard for me to understand that there are so many things I want to do that my body may not be able to. I began to question why God put good desires in my heart if I am not capable of carrying them out. I love being busy and long to be helpful.
All of the issues I am facing bring me back to my Grandma. She came to live with us when I was 10. At that time she was legally blind and needed strong hearing aids, yet she longed to be useful. The many things she used to do were no longer an option, but I never saw that get to her. Mom had her iron clothes (which is why my sister and I never learned how. We blame her!) She couldn’t drive a car or cook, but she could have tea with me. She wrote letters to people to encourage them, using a special guide to help her use the little vision she had. People still tell me how much those letters meant to them. Grandma visited people in nursing homes a few times a week. The people she befriended were ones that no one else visited. She became good friends with them. Grandma’s life was different than it had been, but she was no less useful.
What I believe is what will define me. There is the lie that I am not worth as much if I can not do all I think I should do. Then there is the truth. It is up to me to choose to see that my brain was wired this way. I was made by God. I am still fearfully and wonderfully made because of my Maker. There is nothing wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with any of us since God made us each in His image. He created us and called us good. That is the truth we should cling to and throw away any contradicting thought. We may not understand why God made our bodies the way He did, but we don’t have to. We just have to remember that we are all loved equally and have the same amount of purpose and potential as anybody else.
Linking with Holley Gerth