Not the Christmas I Planned

Hi everyone! It has been months since my last post, and those months flew by. Three months ago this week, we got our first foster placement. In these months, I have had more paperwork, meetings, appointments, and things to remember than ever. I don’t think we could have understood what we were getting into, despite hours of training.

Over these months, I had a third daughter. No, it was never going to be permanent, and we were OK with that. But while she was with us, she was part of our family. The girls were her sisters and the dog was her dog. I did my best to treat her like I treated Lauren and Kaitlyn.

Yesterday was a court day, and while we knew there was a chance she would leave us, no one expected it in the least. To say it was a shock when the judge made his decision would be an understatement. And he gave us only 24 hours.

I have cried until I thought I was done, only to begin again. It still doesn’t feel real to us, and yet it is. There will be no more bedtime prayers with her. No more hearing my girls being called “fat nugget” and other silly nicknames. No more stories where the accents change.

She got her wish to be with her family before Christmas.

I honestly don’t know what to say right now. We are devastated but excited for her. This is what is best for her and her siblings right now. We signed up to help a child when they need it. Our family isn’t looking to adopt, but the grief is so raw and real without her here.

The last few years, I have been looking forward to spoiling a child at Christmas. Instead, I loaded up wrapped gifts for her to open without us. The four of us still have each other, but there is a hole right now in our hearts. That child wasn’t mine, but she was mine for a brief time.

This is not going to be the Christmas I was hoping for, but it all happened the right way. It is not my place to question God and His timing, because He knows best. I choose to trust Him. This morning I read Psalm 59:16, “But I will sing of Your strength and will joyfully proclaim Your faithful love in the morning. For You have been a stronghold for me, a refuge in my day of trouble.”

God will heal our hurting and lonely hearts. He has done it before, and He has never not come through. Things often don’t work out the way I want them to, and I have come to see that is for the best.

After all, as much as we love that sweet girl, God loves her more.

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