Corona Crisis or Midlife Crisis?

Welcome to what I am going to use as my virtual diary. If you want to keep reading, settle in. This is going to be long!

My life has been going through lots of changes in the last few years, and I felt like God was preparing me for something new back in January. (Remember all our hopes back in January? Bless our hearts.) In September, someone who knows me well asked me, “So you aren’t fostering anymore and you stopped teaching Sunday School. What are you going to do?” I was so excited back then about a new idea to start through our church. Our church is large and is always getting calls from people in the community needing help. There is a budget for it, but there is only so much the actual church can do. I wanted to organize members to babysit and bring meals to people. We could also give rides to doctor appointments. I then learned that as needed as it is, it just can’t happen through a church. I wanted it to be called Family to Family and drew this picture. Nope, not the artiste of the family!

IMG_5819

Anyways, back to square one.

I started an Instagram page, Pass On Your Sunshine, where I post videos and try to encourage others. I work on it, but it just doesn’t have much direction.

Then the pandemic hit. Over the months, in addition to work, I have tried crocheting. It doesn’t really excite me like I hoped it would. I made this lovely narrow scarf practicing a single stitch. So attractive!

IMG_0359

I spent hours practicing hand lettering with different types of markers. No matter what, it doesn’t look as professional as I would want. My hope was to find quotes from our pastor from sermons and sell prints or digital downloads. This is not one of the quotes, but I liked the way this turned out the best.

IMG_0357

My girls are about to start seventh and ninth grades next month. My mental state over it has pretty much deteriorated recently, and I think I know why: They don’t really need me anymore. Oh sure, I cook, and clean, and drive them places. It’s not like they have moved out. But we have reached a point of parenthood where I try to get them to do things with me. “Want to watch a movie?” “Want to go for a walk?” Many times they say no, and it is just James and I. Don’t get me wrong: we love it. I feel like we are teenagers sneaking out these days. I love spending time with my favorite person.

But I am a MOM. If my kids don’t need me, what am I supposed to be doing? Just typing this makes me cry, like I did to a friend the other day. I really feel like I am trying to figure myself out. What do I want from life? I don’t know, what does my family want? As a mom, you get so used to going with the flow and doing what everyone else wants. (Plus I am an Enneagram 9. I just want peace.)

mothersday10

These are Mother’s Day, 10 years apart. Where did those years go?

I know I want to make a little more money for my family, since we have car insurance and college coming up. I want to help people, since that is my purpose. What has been impressed on me lately is that I need to find people who need me and not stay in my bubble of people like me (once we are allowed to be around other people.)

I am sorry this is so long, but you were warned! There is a big part of me that really doesn’t want to hit Publish on this. People don’t really need to know this much about me. But, I also know there are women out there going through this with me. We can do it together. There are women who have been here and can share what helped them. I wasn’t put here to go through life alone, and neither were you. As they say, we are all in this together. I would love to know your thoughts, and if you feel up to it, please share your struggles. I bet other people will relate to you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s